


let her world spin madly on

by bluroflights



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 14:47:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30073878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluroflights/pseuds/bluroflights
Summary: Maya learns to be Carina's support system.
Relationships: Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Comments: 21
Kudos: 125





	1. okay

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to finish up a chapter for my current mayaxcarina longfic but I couldn't until I dealt with this new canon shocker. Somehow I started writing and then couldn't stop, so here this is. 
> 
> Also, I have no idea when this is set because 1) grey's/s19 universe really sucks at maintaining clear timelines and 2) the seasons started in april 2020 at the beginning of the pandemic and every other plot line seems to be pointing to the fact that we're in june rn but everyone's clothing literally says its the fall and things make more sense for some reason to me that they're in november/october. I seriously spent over an hour trying to smooth out this continuity error and I just kept going back and forth until *flips table* I couldn't and in exasperation, settled on June. 
> 
> \- highly recommend listening to The Weepies, "The World Spins Madly On." It's one of my favorite songs and is inspiration for the title; the fic itself is a sort of response to the song's narrator.   
> \- also, Katelyn Tarver's "Never Fade," which goes well to reflect Maya's pov in this fic.

_I wish I could give you an answer  
_   
_Say the right words and it'd make you feel better  
_   
_But I'm just me, nothing perfect or special  
_   
_And I can't make it right today_  
  
_But I'm here and I'll never fade away_

**_\- katelyn tarver, "never fade"_ **

_June 2020_

.

Maya has a little brother too.

A little brother she never talks about because it’s just too painful. A little brother who suffered with her under their father’s wrath and their mother’s timidity, albeit very differently. A little brother who she, for all intents and purposes, has abandoned. A little brother who has addiction problems and has sworn he’s clean but the last time she saw him, he was living under a bridge. A little brother who’s still probably homeless and alone. A little brother who is an amazing artist and a kind human. A little brother who she hasn’t seen in two years.

But more importantly, a little brother who’s alive.

Carina – sweet, beautiful, lovely Carina – has no such luck. Her little brother is dead – died in the operating room with hands both siblings knew inside of him and pumping on his chest, died in the hospital both siblings called home, and died after being fixed up and told that he was okay. He wasn’t okay anymore. Her little brother is now six feet under, his short life celebrated and mourned by his friends and colleagues and past loves and people that respected him and his older sister and the rest of their family who do so from thousands of miles away. Her little brother is now six feet under, laid to rest next to her mother, also gone too soon. Her brother is now six feet under, under their feet and their lives – their very much _alive_ lives.

_Two halves of one whole_.

That’s what Carina had said they were. And now, she seems to be half a person and Maya can’t stand that reality to be true. Carina is one of the most liveliest souls she’s ever known with the brightest, warmest smiles she’s ever seen, but for the past two weeks, Carina seems to have lost all of the life left in her. Maybe that’s what happens when someone you love dies – a part of you too.

Maya is no stranger to death – she’s lost more friends and colleagues than anyone ever should; she’s seen countless lives lost in so many different ways, held some of them while the light left their eyes. No, Maya’s no stranger to death but it’s never hit so close to home. Maya’s never really lost anyone, at least not like Carina, who’s now lost not only a mother but also a baby brother.

When Maya was 12, her father’s mother – her paternal grandmother – had died. She never really knew her, or any of her extended family for that matter, so it didn’t affect her much. That seemed to be true for her father as well, who never talked about feelings or anything else besides _Eyes Forward_. And did she even have a place, to be affected by a death of person who she didn’t know and that didn’t seem to affect even her own son? In her home, family seemed to be nothing more than people bound together by nothing more than biology. That was just the way life was. Death too, was then just another part of the cycle of life, wasn’t it? Just another note to add into the journal of her life. What mattered was the finish line ahead.

Pruitt, on the other hand… now, that had been closer to home. Not only was he her best friend’s father, but he had been her first captain and someone she wholly, implicitly trusted – and she didn’t have many people like that. He had been like a father figure to her; a surrogate that offset and stabilized the self-abusing teachings she learned from her own. But his death had been a long time coming; she was there when he told the team that he had cancer, and again, when it came back; she was there when he sacrificed his life – in fact, she had been the one to allow him too. So, she had had ample time to prepare herself for the inevitability of death. Ryan, on the other hand… _that_ had been sudden. But still, Maya pushed on. The two men had been held dear by Andy, not Maya. She grieved and mourned but she could keep living just the same.

But if she lost Mason?

No matter how estranged they were, Maya thinks she’d probably be as numb and broken by it as Carina currently was. More than she cared to admit.

If she had lost any of her team, or God forbid, Carina? She doesn’t know if she could ever relearn how to keep going.

What’s crazy was that it hadn’t been that long ago since Maya didn’t have to worry about feeling the finality of death, not that long ago she didn’t have anybody that she could be devastated by; she hadn’t let anyone come close enough. Potential for death was an occupational hazard for her profession and even though her team was important to her, even though her best friends were on that team, she had been able to compartmentalize that probability. That ability was part of the reason why she was able to move on from Captain Herrera and Ryan as quickly as she did. But now that she had let someone in – Carina – and learned to love for the first time in her life, she’d been forced to see all her relationships in a different light. Not only because she was now responsible for their lives but because she learned that it was okay to feel connected to other people; okay to care – fully and without any guilt or shame.

And that particular new skill was currently working overtime as she bore witness to Carina’s grief. She’d watched with heartache over the past two weeks as her love spiraled into a storm of depression and guilt and anger. Maya had held her as she broke the news to their father and grandmother and his on-again-off-again ex-girlfriend and a handful of relatives, choking on the words each time, refusing to put the phone down as if punishing herself for his death. She’d brought her down in the aftermath as the older woman’s worry for her father’s untreated mental illness overtook her grief and she became nothing more than a vessel of guilt and wracking sobs and hyperventilation. Awake, Carina had vacillated between crying and yelling, unable to process what had happened until it came time to plan the funeral. Then, Maya had watched as Carina grew more numb and despondent with each passing day leading up to the funeral – barely speaking or eating or moving, fielding calls and guests who surely worried themselves about how she was holding up, and spending the majority of her time sleeping. Maya had been the one to take care of all the arrangements for the funeral – and she had been happy to – after Carina couldn’t bring herself to do it. She had all the things to do written down – albeit in Italian – but with Google Translate and the abandoned English-Italian dictionary she’d bought on a whim when they first started dating at her disposal, it wasn’t too hard. This wasn’t her first funeral, after all.

She and Andrew had only met a handful of times and most of their interactions had been professional. They’d only met informally twice and that had been after Maya had cheated on Carina, begged for her forgiveness, and she’d been taken back. Their interactions were awkward, to say the least, especially on her part. Being on the verge of a potential pandemic and Maya’s intimate knowledge of Andrew’s mental health struggles didn’t make matters any better. Carina had spent the better part of the first meeting playing silent mediator until she’d forced them both to reconcile. Their second meeting, though then smack dab in the middle of the pandemic, went better – both holding onto their love for the older DeLuca and their respective work as common ground. They’d even bonded on their own without Carina around after running into each other at the hospital. Though they hadn’t established a strong relationship with one another, Maya had immensely respected Andrew for the work he did and the struggles he’d faced and his unwavering determination to help others. She wished there had been more time to get to know him, especially for Carina’s sake. She had been looking forward to it.

The funeral had been small – only a handful of people: Carina, Maya, Dr. Webber, Bailey, Jo, and Maggie – as lockdown measures were still firmly in place. They were, however, able to hold a larger-sized gathering in the hospital as a sort of wake as everyone who knew and respected and held Andrew dear were either medical professionals or first responders.

That’s where they had been heading to when Maggie had stopped them, informing them that Meredith wanted to speak with Carina, saying it was important. The older doctor had just days before come out of her COVID-induced coma. Carina had declined Maya’s offer to go with her so she had just waited in the cafeteria – no longer an emergency-use ward to house more covid patients. It had been converted for the day for the wake. Or, tribute, as Dr. Webber had so aptly redefined.

Maya didn’t know what Meredith had said to Carina but when Carina made her appearance at the tribute, she seemed to be in better spirits than she’d been in the time since Andrew’s death. She had still opted not to speak but had watched with tears in her eyes and a bittersweet smile as she listened to the speech Dr. Webber gave and the memories popcorn-shared by the rest of the doctors. Though, there had been a small part of Maya that was disappointed and irrationally jealous that she hadn’t been the one to lift Carina’s spirits, she was immensely grateful to see Carina smile, and even laugh a little, again. She’d even stayed longer than Maya thought she initially would, staying for Schmitt’s video tribute - he had reached out to former patients of Andrew’s and asked for video testimonials – the outpour of shock and gratitude and love had been great. The room was so full of love and respect for the late Italian-American doctor and being a part of that seemed to bring the older DeLuca a little bit closer to acceptance.

Carina had left after the end of the video, presumably not wanting to stay around for chit-chat or an endless barrage of well-meaning checkups and constant confrontation of grief. She’d told Maya she just needed to step out for some air and that Maya needn’t come out with her. Today was an emotionally heavy day and Carina no doubt needed some space. When she didn’t come back after fifteen minutes though, Maya had excused herself and went out to find Carina.

She found her braced against the pillar outside of Grey-Sloan’s entrance, her shoulder leaning against the solid surface, arms were crossed over her chest as she watched the rain fall. It wasn’t raining too hard, just enough to prevent people from roaming about. It wasn’t like people were allowed to anyway; numbers were rising again, the process of reopening was (rightly) put on pause, new lockdown measures were being put in place, and the hospital was maintaining its limited entry protocols.

“Hey,” Maya said quietly, approaching Carina from behind with a hand on the small of her back.

Carina turned her head at Maya’s voice and gave her a small smile – the first in weeks. She turned back to watch the rain fall.

“You seem a little bit better.” Maya noted her observation aloud.

Carina stayed quiet, staring ahead. The sound of the rain, melodic and consuming, filled Maya’s ears. It was odd but for a moment, everything felt like it was okay.

After a few moments, Carina spoke, “As a kid, Andrea hated the rain.”

It seemed like the rain’s sonic and visual melody was helping her process her thoughts.

“He hated it because when it rained, he couldn’t go outside to play. Not without getting wet.”

She outstretched a hand and free from the cover of the building, rain droplets fell onto her palm. “But I loved it.” She let them gather in her hand for a while before shaking it off and bringing it back to her body. She pivoted on her shoulder, her back now to the pillar, and faced Maya as she spoke. It was the first time she had intentionally looked at her in the eyes all week. Maya listened to her with her entire being.

“I was five when Andrea was born. I was staying with my Nonna while my parents were at the hospital, and outside, it was raining. When my Nonna told me I had a little brother, I was so happy. I _ran_ outside. She tried to stop me but I was too fast,” tears gathered in Carina’s eyes, threatening to spill, “I jumped in the puddles and shouted with joy until my voice had gone.”

She blew out of shaky breath, “And now, he’s gone. My stupid little brother.” A watery chuckle, eyes on the ground. “ _Oh, bambino_ ,” she whispered heartbreakingly.

Instinctively, Maya stepped closer to Carina and took her hand in hers. Still a little damp.

For the first couple of days, Maya did everything she could to try and make Carina feel better, and failed miserably. Maya was through and through a fixer – they both were actually – but there was no fixing this. There was no trading places or taking any emotions away. Once Maya had realized that, and realized that it was up to Carina alone to process these emotions and get to a better place, she had realized that what Carina needed wasn’t a fixer, it was a supporter. There was no question she was going to take time off to be there for Carina, but she didn’t know how hard it would be. It was heartbreaking to learn to step back and just be a witness, Maya had learned, but it’s what Carina needed. Maya held her as she cried; calmed her down when she needed to rage; steadied her when she spiraled; made sure she ate and drank water at least once a day, even begrudgingly; let her sleep when she needed to; was by her side ready to listen even though she locked herself up in silence; and most importantly, didn’t push.

There was no difference this time either.

Carina needed to find the words and the right time on her own. Maya interlaced their fingers and gave a small squeeze but didn’t speak, allowing herself to be the person Carina could say them to. With her free hand, Maya reached up to tuck stray hairs behind Carina’s ear.

“Meredith told me she saw him.” Brown eyes met blue.

Maya gave her a questioning look, confused.

“She said while she was in the coma, she was at a beach. She told me it was like this place between the two worlds – here and _there_ – and she saw him.” Tears finally fell down her cheeks and by impulse, Maya placed her free hand on one, wiping away one trail with her thumb. Carina nuzzled into the feeling so she left her hand there, cradling her.

“He told her he didn’t have any regrets. And that she felt the feeling of peace emanating from him. And-” Her breath hitched and her voice cracked, tears fell freely now and neither woman moved to wipe them away.

“-my mama was there to greet him.” Carina smiled brightly through the tears.

“He’s okay.” She breathed out, sighing in relief. “He’s okay,” she repeated, this time in a whisper. It sounded almost like she was in wonder. Tears gathered again, and fell again. Her arms wrapped around Maya suddenly and Maya was all but glad to hug her back.

Carina nuzzled her face into Maya’s neck and Maya could feel her repeating her earlier words over and over, mouth moving and skin vibrating.

Maya held the taller woman tightly, rubbing soothing circles on her back.

She let out a watery sigh of relief herself, tears rising to the surface. Maya kissed the side of Carina’s head and repeated her girlfriend’s words, reassuring Carina of the reality she heard, “He’s okay.”

And eventually, when Carina broke away and into the rain, it seemed she would be too. Maya hadn’t said it but she had been scared Carina wouldn’t ever recover. Or, that Maya wasn’t the person she needed – they had only been back together for a couple months, after all. But as she watched Carina dance, Maya swore to herself, and to Andrew, wherever he was, that she would _make sure_ she would be what Carina needed. Carina would be okay too, she promised him silently. Maya would support and love and care for her, for as long as the other woman would allow. She knew she couldn’t ever fill his shoes but she would make sure Carina wasn’t alone. He, nor his mother, would have anything to worry about.

The rain fell faster, reaching a crescendo in its song and consumed Carina. Maya had no doubt that Andrew had heard her.

Carina danced on.


	2. epilogue: nowhere else

_November 2021_

**_._ **

Her mind seemed to be pacing.

Her mind seemed to be pacing and her hands were shaking and she wasn’t saying a word.

“Carina.”

No response.

“Carina,” Maya repeated, voice gentle but a little more commanding.

The doctor looked up at her finally, eyes filled with unshed tears.

Maya traced the length of Carina’s arm with her hand, coming at a rest at her shaking hand. “I’m okay,” Maya said, firm and assuring, hoping to quiet her pacing mind. “I’m safe and I’m okay.” Maya repeated herself to make sure Carina heard her.

Carina didn’t say a word, just went back to her task and continued cleaning out Maya’s wound and changing her bandage. Maya sighed, then winced, holding her breath as Carina touched the area; the wound still very much fresh.

“Sorry,” Carina muttered as she checked for signs of infection. Confident that there were none, Carina continued on, cleaning the area and putting a light layer of antibiotic ointment on.

“S’okay.” Maya watched as she secured a fresh one on her abdominal wound and moved to clean up, taking off her gloves, gathering the old bandage, and the rest of the garbage. Carina silently stood up to the bathroom and dispose of the trash. Maya could hear as she turned on the faucet and scrubbed her hands clean. When she didn’t hear the soft padding of Carina’s feet come toward her after the faucet turned off, Maya got up to see if she was okay.

She found her grasping the edge of the sink, knuckles white, head bowed, and silently shaking.

“Carina,” she said gently.

She’d been holding back her feelings since she’d found out Maya had been hurt. In the hospital, she’d made sure Maya was doing everything to aid her recovery and her role had been the same since they came home from the hospital. That was three days ago now. But in all that time, they hadn’t spoken about anything else besides her treatment and recovery; the rest of the time, Carina was uncharacteristically quiet. Maya wondered when Carina would finally let it all out.

They had lost Andrew a little more than a year ago now. Carina had been on a steady journey of healing and learning to live without him; the state of the world looked a little brighter as vaccination rollouts were fast-tracked and they were slowly but surely nearing herd immunity; and Maya and Carina had been going strong for nearly a year and a half now since getting back together. Then, three days ago, a call came in for an apartment building on fire. The threat-level had risen to a two-alarm and Station 19 had been called in to assist. As the second team on site, Maya had gone in with the rest of hers to help Station 23 with evacuations. Maya had paired off with Vic and they’d canvassed half the floor when they entered the apartment of a man ranting and raving, clearly confused and they found out later, high off his mind on PCP. He was wholly uncooperative but with his life clearly in danger, they’d made the executive decision to forcefully remove him from his apartment. Seemingly in fear for his life, he’d picked up a knife from the kitchen counter and rushed Maya, stabbing her. It had been a pairing knife and while still very much dangerous, if the knife had been any bigger, it would’ve done a hell of a lot more damage considering the area where he’d stabbed her (almost exactly mirroring Andrew’s wound on the other side). It was a clean entry and to her luck, missed all vital organs.

She slid her hand across the width of Carina’s back, came at a rest at her shoulder, and squeezed. The brunette let out a bit of a sob; the floodgates seemed to have opened a little. Carina turned, into Maya’s body then, and wrapped her arms around Maya’s neck.

Though a bit uncomfortable and grip a little loose, Maya hugged her back. Carina didn’t press her body flush against hers but the smell of her shampoo eased any tension in her body from the wound.

“I’m okay,” Maya repeated in assurance.

“Hey,” Maya started, and pulled back to be able to look at Carina. The taller woman leaned against the edge of the sink, and sunk into herself.

Maya wiped the tears off her face gently and tilted her head up, forcing Carina to look at her. “I’m safe.”

Carina looked at her then, eyes wild. “But you’re not though!” Carina said, voice high and exasperated. “You’re not safe! You literally run into burning buildings for a living!” She slipped out from in front of her and crossed to the other side of the bathroom.

“Car-”

“No.” Carina turned around, tear tracks still firmly glistening. “No, don’t do that, Maya. Don’t because you’re not okay. You’re literally recovering from a stab wound, Maya! You are _not_ okay. And neither am I, so _don’t_.” She huffed and tried to steady herself, placing her hands on her hips.

Maya let her breathe for a moment before crossing over, taking Carina’s hands in hers.

“You’re right.” Carina looked up at her then. “None of this is okay. And my job is dangerous. And this probably won’t be the last time I’m injured, but you said it yourself: I’m _recovering_. Carina, I’m healing and I’m going to be okay, yeah? I’m still _alive_.”

Tears were falling freely now. “Maya,” she said, her voice shaking, “I can’t lose you. I’ve already lost my mama and my baby brother and I _can’t-_ ”

Maya gathered her girlfriend up in her arms – wound be damned. “You won’t lose me. Ever. I won’t ever let that happen.”

“You can’t say that.” Carina gently pushed herself off Maya. “You can’t promise me that.”

“Well, I am.” Maya said firmly.

“Maya…”

“I know,” Maya cut her off and took her hands back into her own. “I know that I have no control over when I go but I’m going to promise you anyway because I promised Andrew on the day of his wake that you weren’t ever going to be alone, that I’d take care of you. And I intend on keeping my promise. I might get hurt again – actually, there’s a definite chance I’ll get hurt again – but I’m going to do everything in my power to come back to you. If I get to the beach and see Andrew, I’ll force him to send me back to you. I don’t care what it takes, but I’m never going to let it happen. You won’t ever lose me.”

“Besides,” she said, “I don’t have anyone on the other side. Everyone important to me is still right here. _You_ are right here, which means I have nowhere else to be. Okay?”

Maya knew this wasn’t by all means a finished conversation – they would have more in the future given her job – but she was hopeful that it would give Carina some solid ground to stand on in the meantime.

And it seemed to work.

“Okay.” A slow breath out. “Okay, _bella_.”

Maya gave her a warm smile and kissed her, sealing her promise.

“Now, can we go back to bed because I’m still recovering from a stab wound, y’know?”

Carina’s watery laugh was like music to her ears. “ _Sì, andiamo.”_

**Author's Note:**

> If you're still reeling from this bit of news like I am and don't want to live in a reality where Andrew is dead, check out my mayaxcarina series, "i was made for loving you." It's an au from the end of s3, so also no pandemic. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Hope you have a good rest of your day :)


End file.
